A 12-12 kind of day

My grandma died on 12-12-04. It was devastating to her family to say the least because the cancer took her away so quickly. It was like she was gone in the blink of an eye. She also died sometime at 12 am. I remember the phone call from my cousin Chris like it was yesterday.

Well since that day I have seen 12-12 everywhere… not even just one 12 by itself, but always together. I remember on 12-12-05, the one year anniversary of her death, my radio went off at 12:12 am blaring music and there was absolutely no alarm or anything set on it. It woke me up and scared me so bad! That was the very first time I noticed it. I had been working on writing a poem for her that I was going to share at Christmas and I know that was a sign from her. 

Over the years, I have seen 12:12 a lot, especially times. I ALWAYS get text messages at 12:12 pm, and it seems like most nights of the week I will wake up and sure enough it will be 12:12 am. Something else really weird is that now every time when I check what time it is, (if it’s not 12:12!) it’s either 12:38 or 12:43 pm. The times my kids were born! Cooper 12:38 pm and Carter 12:43 pm. My kids were born in 2006 and 2008, after she died.

Now you are probably wondering why this is a good thing.. At first it was kind of scary, like when the radio went off in the middle of the night in a totally different room for no reason. But now I find it comforting. Like today, it started with a bible verse posted by a friend this morning.. the first thing I read of the day and it was Romans 12:12 “ Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, and be constant in prayer.” One of my favorite verses. Then I went in the grocery store and doing my usual check of expiration dates before I buy anything, I noticed that everything I picked up to buy expired in 12-12… things all over the store!

I’ve had totals that were 12.12 also. I just looked on my aunt LeeAnn’s facebook and realized she got married this year on 2-12-12 at 2:12 pm. Mema is her Mom. What a happy day and neat thing to do. This year on the anniversary of her death it will be 12-12-12. That will be even more weird, and I’ll have to think of something special to do that day. 

Anyways, all that said to say this- I know that there are so many of us who miss our Mema! Family, friends, everyone that knew her. We are never going to forget her. And I say keep the twelves coming! It makes me smile every time even though I miss her so much and wish she could be seeing my kids. She would have been a wonderful great grandma, just like she was a wonderful grandma and Mom. I picture her little corner of heaven all decked out in leopard print, cheetah, etc and whatever “loud” things she used to love! I can’t wait to join her someday.

Happy 4th birthday Cooper!

Dear Cooper,

What a year it has been! We have been through a little bit of everything… from different daycares to evaluations, a diagnosis of ADHD, speech therapy, potty training, etc. You have done so many great things this year! You make everyone laugh all the time because you are so silly and crazy, and you are so sweet. I am so happy to be your Mom every day, even when you test my patience and everyone elses to an extreme! : ) You are such a happy and unique little boy, and SO smart! You love Mario more than anyone in the whole world I’m pretty sure, and that’s okay because it just adds to your uniqueness. (the old cartoons and video games)

I love you Coopie Gray! Happy Birthday from Mama and Carter and everyone else who loves you so much.

To Carter on your 6th birthday..

5-11-12

Dear Carter, 

Today you are 6 years old! I am writing your letter this year knowing that you will actually be able to read it by yourself! You have learned so much this year in Kindergarten and you are so smart. I have always known how smart you are, but every time I see you writing and reading something it just blows me away.

You are such a deep thinker and you always challenge me with your amazing questions! You are the only 5 year old I know who already talks about people in Heaven and what it’s like, recognizing the difference in good and bad people in the world, and wanting to know how everything works (most of the time I can’t even explain it) and why things in the world happen, etc.

You are such a sweet boy and so kind to others. I have never seen you be mean to another person in all of your life (except your brother of course) and that is pretty great ! You are so special to me and everyone in our family. 

I have a book of “Carter’s quotes” that I will get to keep forever to remember all your cute and smart things you say. 

Happy birthday precious boy!

I love you and you are the best Carter ever! (He always says “best Mama ever” like 50 times a day)

Love,

Mama

28 Years Later

4-25-12 Thoughts on my birthday..

This year was another hard year, but it was also filled with some great memories as well. As I get older, I become more and more thankful just to be alive. It’s crazy how your mind set changes as you get older.

It is easier to find joy in the smallest things because you know that life is not going to get any simpler so you might as well enjoy what you can. 

"And you learn to build
all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight."

This is a part of one of my favorite poems ever… It is a good reminder that we only have today. And even though we may plan for the future, there is no guarantee that it will ever go as we hope it will. Those of us who are Christians know that God has a plan for each one of us. Sometimes that line “God has a plan” annoys me to no end! Why can’t I see the plan now? Why isn’t the plan happening NOW?. Why does everyone else get all the things I want while I’m working so hard? Why do bad people get away with being bad? Etc etc..

Those are some thoughts that run across my mind.  

But every time I look at my life and the wonderful family I have, I am reminded that plenty of good things have happened to me. I was lucky to be born into a great family. And I’m thankful for those true friends who have always been there to help. 

Most of all, I am thankful for my 2 precious boys who always allow me to see the light at the end of every tunnel. Even though they make me feel like I’m about 58 years old every day (haha!)... Everything in this life is temporary.

The love between us is forever.

I am ready to see what kind of challenges I can conquer in my 28^th year.. and what good things God has in store. (hopefully more good than bad!)

The best birthday gift of all was hearing Cooper say "Happy Birthday Mama!" Especially because he had no way of knowing it was my birthday... he's amazing.

Happy Birthday Paizley!

Today a sweet little girl is 6 years old. In just a couple weeks, Carter will be 6 years old too. That is so hard to believe. I have only gotten to know her for a little more than a year, but I have SO enjoyed getting to be in her life. I wish I could see her more! My kids enjoy seeing her so much and they fight over her attention when they see her. 

She is the sweetest girl, and so very smart. She is excellent at spelling and likes to write letters to her Daddy all the time.

She is so silly and always makes me laugh! The other night at a restaurant, someone was in the women’s bathroom and I said “oh I’ll just go in the mens!” and she rolled her eyes and said “You probably don’t wanna do that.” It was so hilarious. She is very witty!

Most of all, she has the most amazing dad in her life who always takes care of her. He is a way better parent than I’ll ever be! No wonder she is so amazing too.

They are a great team. 

Happy Birthday Paizley! You are very special to me and Carter and Cooper. J

Out with the Old- In with the New

2011 has officially come to an end. That seems so hard to believe. Isn’t 2012 like years and years away? And supposedly the end of the world ? Makes me want to break out in the song “It’s the end of the world as we know it”..
2011 had it’s ups and downs, like any year, but I definitely think it ended well.

In January I met an awesome guy, Dustin, who has the cutest little girl who is Carter’s age. We got to do a lot of fun things together throughout the year that I never would have done by myself. He also happens to be a single dad who is doing things 100% alone which makes me respect him even more. Some days I would love to trade him my 2 boys for his 1 EASY girl though. Haha

I also went back to school and got 2 A’s in my classes while working full time. That was not easy at all! I typed papers while my kids tore apart the house and beat each other up, but somehow I managed.

February brought Oklahoma’s worst blizzard in… not really sure how long, but we got over a foot of snow. I think we missed about 3 days of work and school because it was so bad. The worst part for me was being trapped inside for so long with 2 crazy boys. We were lucky we never lost our electricity and no trees came crashing down on my roof. My parents finally came and picked me up so I could get groceries because we had no food, so that was a lifesaver.
March- I’m having trouble remembering anything that long ago.

April was my birthday- not really too exciting either. Carter started playing t-ball and he really enjoyed it! He was super cute, even if he did walk between the bases and stare off into space the whole time. He could hit the ball really well.

May- Carter turned FIVE! He had his party at Dynamo Gymnastics and he had so much fun. We also had a huge devastating tornado that went through Cashion and destroyed some of my very best friends’ houses. You never really understand what the aftermath of a tornado is like until you are standing there in the midst of it, sorting through someone’s belongings and there is literally nothing left. It was such a sad time, but also made me feel so thankful to be alive.

June- We went to the World Cup of softball and nearly died because it was over 110 degrees, but it was a neat experience.

July- We swam a lot, went to Fireworks in Edmond, and nothing else I can really remember. It was a REALLY hot summer as usual.

August- We went to Sulphur on a road trip and were shocked when we got there and none of the springs had any water in them. But we found one little tiny stream to play in and that was enough to excite Carter and Paizley.

The 19th was Carter’s very first day of Kindergarten. I walked him to his room in this giant school, it was mass chaos, and he sat down and started coloring. He did so well! That was the hardest day of my life! I was glad to know I wasn’t alone because all of the other moms were standing in the hallway crying and peeking in the classroom too.

August we went to KattFest and were definitely the most normal looking people there. It was a really good concert though!

September- Cooper turned three!

October- I’m starting to go blank on the months that were not that far away for some reason… Halloween- Carter was a transformer and Cooper was a homeless man. It was the funniest costume ever, and it totally fit his personality.

November- Thanksgiving with family was fun as it always is.. we had great food and then ended up taking silly pictures like little kids. (think 7 grown adults in a pyramid) That is always so fun! I also saw Gary Allen in concert and he was really good.

December- It flew by so fast I still can’t believe that Christmas is over!! OSU beat OU which was probably the highlight of the month, after Christmas of course. : ) My kids got a ton of toys, and it was a great Christmas. I kind of want to go back and do December over because I didn’t get a chance to enjoy any of it. December 23rd was my last day at work and I have really been enjoying my “time off”. I definitely don’t miss the long work hours. I actually have time to get stuff done, and think, and enjoy my kids.

So that was my year in a very quick summary… I can’t wait to see what 2012 will bring!

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."

-T.S. Eliot

12-12

7 years ago we lost our “Mema.” It’s hard to believe it has been that long. I was 20 when she died and I am so thankful that I had 20 years of memories to share with her. I remember December 12th, 2004 like it was yesterday, and her funeral a couple days later that was packed full of people who had loved and adored her just like her family did. I’ll never forget the funeral procession that included a massive line of cars following us for miles. We drove past her house and her Sonshine Gospel Barn that was her lifelong dream. It didn’t even seem like it was happening at the time. I still wish we could have had more time with her. She lived a wonderful 70 years, but I wish it could have been a lot more. It breaks my heart that she never got to meet my kids, and that they’ll never get the chance to really know such an amazing lady.


I don’t know one person who ever met her that didn’t like her. She made everyone feel so welcome all the time. I remember walking into her house and she was ALWAYS in the kitchen cooking and greeting everyone. There was never a lack of food!! Always 2 tables full of the most awesome food. I still can’t make her macaroni and cheese like she did even though I always try and fail miserably!!

Now when someone asks me something I want to say “Are you right sure?” And wish them a “juanderful” day. Or tell my kids how much they have “growed”

She was so funny and was always laughing. Whenever I picture her, I see her with a huge grin on her face and laughing. She was always happy, and even if she really wasn’t, she never showed that to anyone. Not even on her death bed.

I know that we all miss her so much. There aren’t enough words to describe how much she meant to all of us. Nothing will ever be the same without her, but her entire family still gathers at Christmas time with joy in our hearts, and we will never ever forget her.

She truly had a heart of gold.