12-12-12

To a lot of people, today is a cool day. Lots of people will be getting married, having babies, and having birthdays on this special day. To my family, it is a very sad day that is also full of good memories that are all we have left. On this day 8 years ago my grandma Betty passed away from a terribly fast and awful pancreatic cancer battle. To us kids, she was fine one minute and gone the next... but later we learned that she had been suffering with the cancer for 3 years and kept it to herself because she didn't want to burden anyone.
 I have written about her a lot and I will continue to do so! It seems like the more time that goes by, I actually remember even more about her. She was the kind of person who would give the shirt off her back to anyone in need, she would invite strangers off the street to her house for a meal, and would let anyone come to her house on the holidays and she would welcome everyone in immediately like they were part of our family. No one would ever feel like an outcast around her. She had the admiration of her whole town, church, family and friends. She was literally the “glue” that held our family together. She worked for my grandpa and also taught Sunday school and did one million other things on the side! She and Pepa built a Gospel Singing Barn that was like my home for several years. Every Saturday night I would look forward to spending the night there listening to music and getting to be around my Mema doing the thing she loved most. Her song at the beginning of the show was always the best and I was proud to tell people that I was her granddaughter. I also liked running the concession stand with my sister and cousins.. I think we ate most of the profits though! 

I was thinking last night about how much she loved Christmas. In 12 days (there’s that 12 again) our family will be gathering for Christmas Eve which was her most favorite day of the year. I was thinking about how she would take the time to get every single person not just one present, but several! I remember getting at least 10 presents as well as the other 7 grandkids and 5 kids. Now that I am a parent, it seems amazing to me that she kept that all organized! There would seriously be hundreds of presents under her tree. She loved to give to others and that’s what she was all about. She would cook a HUGE meal on holidays and Sundays when we would go to her house after church. There was enough food for an army… and she would do that all by herself.

I don’t think I ever saw her actually sit down and eat. She was all about pleasing everyone else and playing with the grandkids.

I had a dream about her last night that all of her family was at their old house and we all spent the night… I stumbled to her room in the dark and she was lying awake in her bed and said “here I am Jenna!”, and started laughing. And then my Aunt Connie fell out of her bed or tripped or something and we all started giggling. I think I inherited my ridiculous love of giggling from my Mema! It probably would’ve been more fitting if my Aunt LeeAnn fell down though. Haha I remember how she would let as many grandkids as possible sleep in her huge bed with her and she would tell us stories before we went to bed. And we always heard the trains at night. Breakfast was always made when we woke up, and there would be a trip to Walmart for whatever toy we wanted and KFC to eat. “Kentucky Fried” is what she called it. And during Christmas time we would always go to Kingfisher in Lights.  

I just woke up today after that dream and I was so happy.. it was like I actually got to see her. I wonder what she thinks about how her family has gone on without her. I think she is very proud of all of us. Christmas Eve has still been my favorite day of the year since she died, and I love that we keep the traditions going. I got my love of Christmas from her for sure. The only thing that would make it better is having her there and hearing her laugh and tell her stories! There are some things that will just never be the same. I wish that my kids and so many other people would've gotten to meet her. It doesn't seem fair that they didn't get to be around her. I tell anyone about her who will listen! Again I am thankful that I got 20 years with her. I just wish there could have been 20 more.

Because He Lives was one of her favorite songs, I like these lyrics:

"And then one day
I'll cross the river
I'll fight life's final
war with pain
And then as death
Gives way to victory
I'll see the lights
Of glory and
I'll know he lives.."

http://youtu.be/egBSduThg3k

and some other songs she liked...

http://youtu.be/yXAqoZuYvyA

http://youtu.be/LBNG3TYnnZw

 

Happy Birthday, LeeAnn!

Today I want to take the time and acknowledge someone very special to a lot of people- my Aunt LeeAnn. LeeAnn is my Dad’s sister and is the middle child of 5 kids. She reminds me so much of my grandma and I love that about her. She got all of her great qualities! Sometimes people tell me that pictures of me look like LeeAnn when she was a kid. We share a love of writing that seems to run in our family, and a love of music and laughter.  She always takes the time to write blogs for various family members’ birthdays and never expects anything in return. Her blogs have me laughing out loud most of the time and always make my day a little better. She always organizes things at Christmas and has been the Bingo caller since I can remember! And for many years she has made the drive from Muskogee to Kingfisher to come to every birthday party and family function we’ve ever had. My mom always said how nice that was of her.

She is seriously one of the funniest people I know. There are not a lot of people who can stand in front of a crowd and do comedy or do improv! I would rather be at the dentist having teeth pulled! I admire her because she will try anything, whether it be Zumba or playing handbells, volunteering for everything under the sun, etc… all things I would never try even at 28. I also admire her for what she has been through.. a devastating divorce in which I’ve also suffered through because of the same reason, though she was married for many more years than I was. She always tried to be strong and has always been a great Mom who will do anything for her kids. She even went back to school in her 40’s and got her degree which is something I’ll probably be doing into my 40s at this rate!  Her boys are the same age apart as mine (my cousins Chris and Andy) and we are both the middle child so I can identify with that as well. She is writing a book about her awful dating experiences that I can’t wait to read!  Not a lot of people could make a book out of some terrible experiences and be able to laugh about it. She has a blog that inspired me to write mine, although hers is a lot better and funnier! 

So to LeeAnn , I just wanted to say how much I admire you and I know that many of your family members and friends do too. You have more friends than I’ll ever have in my lifetime, and that is because you are the nicest person we know! I’m so glad you found Joe and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I’m sure Mema is so proud of everything you’ve done. 

 Happy Birthday from everyone who is lucky to know you!  

And here are some words from your family that I gathered: if I had more time I would’ve gotten a lot more I’m sure! 

From your nephew Jesse- “She is strong, encouraging, hilarious and just a person you like to be around. 

Niece Jordan- “ She is hilarious and likes to tell stories.” 

Son Chris- “ She is a great mom and I am lucky to have her.” 

Daughter in law Juliet- “I am thankful to her for how she made the transition to life here simpler, and helped me get up here.”

A 12-12 kind of day

My grandma died on 12-12-04. It was devastating to her family to say the least because the cancer took her away so quickly. It was like she was gone in the blink of an eye. She also died sometime at 12 am. I remember the phone call from my cousin Chris like it was yesterday.

Well since that day I have seen 12-12 everywhere… not even just one 12 by itself, but always together. I remember on 12-12-05, the one year anniversary of her death, my radio went off at 12:12 am blaring music and there was absolutely no alarm or anything set on it. It woke me up and scared me so bad! That was the very first time I noticed it. I had been working on writing a poem for her that I was going to share at Christmas and I know that was a sign from her. 

Over the years, I have seen 12:12 a lot, especially times. I ALWAYS get text messages at 12:12 pm, and it seems like most nights of the week I will wake up and sure enough it will be 12:12 am. Something else really weird is that now every time when I check what time it is, (if it’s not 12:12!) it’s either 12:38 or 12:43 pm. The times my kids were born! Cooper 12:38 pm and Carter 12:43 pm. My kids were born in 2006 and 2008, after she died.

Now you are probably wondering why this is a good thing.. At first it was kind of scary, like when the radio went off in the middle of the night in a totally different room for no reason. But now I find it comforting. Like today, it started with a bible verse posted by a friend this morning.. the first thing I read of the day and it was Romans 12:12 “ Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, and be constant in prayer.” One of my favorite verses. Then I went in the grocery store and doing my usual check of expiration dates before I buy anything, I noticed that everything I picked up to buy expired in 12-12… things all over the store!

I’ve had totals that were 12.12 also. I just looked on my aunt LeeAnn’s facebook and realized she got married this year on 2-12-12 at 2:12 pm. Mema is her Mom. What a happy day and neat thing to do. This year on the anniversary of her death it will be 12-12-12. That will be even more weird, and I’ll have to think of something special to do that day. 

Anyways, all that said to say this- I know that there are so many of us who miss our Mema! Family, friends, everyone that knew her. We are never going to forget her. And I say keep the twelves coming! It makes me smile every time even though I miss her so much and wish she could be seeing my kids. She would have been a wonderful great grandma, just like she was a wonderful grandma and Mom. I picture her little corner of heaven all decked out in leopard print, cheetah, etc and whatever “loud” things she used to love! I can’t wait to join her someday.

Happy 4th birthday Cooper!

Dear Cooper,

What a year it has been! We have been through a little bit of everything… from different daycares to evaluations, a diagnosis of ADHD, speech therapy, potty training, etc. You have done so many great things this year! You make everyone laugh all the time because you are so silly and crazy, and you are so sweet. I am so happy to be your Mom every day, even when you test my patience and everyone elses to an extreme! : ) You are such a happy and unique little boy, and SO smart! You love Mario more than anyone in the whole world I’m pretty sure, and that’s okay because it just adds to your uniqueness. (the old cartoons and video games)

I love you Coopie Gray! Happy Birthday from Mama and Carter and everyone else who loves you so much.

To Carter on your 6th birthday..

5-11-12

Dear Carter, 

Today you are 6 years old! I am writing your letter this year knowing that you will actually be able to read it by yourself! You have learned so much this year in Kindergarten and you are so smart. I have always known how smart you are, but every time I see you writing and reading something it just blows me away.

You are such a deep thinker and you always challenge me with your amazing questions! You are the only 5 year old I know who already talks about people in Heaven and what it’s like, recognizing the difference in good and bad people in the world, and wanting to know how everything works (most of the time I can’t even explain it) and why things in the world happen, etc.

You are such a sweet boy and so kind to others. I have never seen you be mean to another person in all of your life (except your brother of course) and that is pretty great ! You are so special to me and everyone in our family. 

I have a book of “Carter’s quotes” that I will get to keep forever to remember all your cute and smart things you say. 

Happy birthday precious boy!

I love you and you are the best Carter ever! (He always says “best Mama ever” like 50 times a day)

Love,

Mama

28 Years Later

4-25-12 Thoughts on my birthday..

This year was another hard year, but it was also filled with some great memories as well. As I get older, I become more and more thankful just to be alive. It’s crazy how your mind set changes as you get older.

It is easier to find joy in the smallest things because you know that life is not going to get any simpler so you might as well enjoy what you can. 

"And you learn to build
all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight."

This is a part of one of my favorite poems ever… It is a good reminder that we only have today. And even though we may plan for the future, there is no guarantee that it will ever go as we hope it will. Those of us who are Christians know that God has a plan for each one of us. Sometimes that line “God has a plan” annoys me to no end! Why can’t I see the plan now? Why isn’t the plan happening NOW?. Why does everyone else get all the things I want while I’m working so hard? Why do bad people get away with being bad? Etc etc..

Those are some thoughts that run across my mind.  

But every time I look at my life and the wonderful family I have, I am reminded that plenty of good things have happened to me. I was lucky to be born into a great family. And I’m thankful for those true friends who have always been there to help. 

Most of all, I am thankful for my 2 precious boys who always allow me to see the light at the end of every tunnel. Even though they make me feel like I’m about 58 years old every day (haha!)... Everything in this life is temporary.

The love between us is forever.

I am ready to see what kind of challenges I can conquer in my 28^th year.. and what good things God has in store. (hopefully more good than bad!)

The best birthday gift of all was hearing Cooper say "Happy Birthday Mama!" Especially because he had no way of knowing it was my birthday... he's amazing.

Happy Birthday Paizley!

Today a sweet little girl is 6 years old. In just a couple weeks, Carter will be 6 years old too. That is so hard to believe. I have only gotten to know her for a little more than a year, but I have SO enjoyed getting to be in her life. I wish I could see her more! My kids enjoy seeing her so much and they fight over her attention when they see her. 

She is the sweetest girl, and so very smart. She is excellent at spelling and likes to write letters to her Daddy all the time.

She is so silly and always makes me laugh! The other night at a restaurant, someone was in the women’s bathroom and I said “oh I’ll just go in the mens!” and she rolled her eyes and said “You probably don’t wanna do that.” It was so hilarious. She is very witty!

Most of all, she has the most amazing dad in her life who always takes care of her. He is a way better parent than I’ll ever be! No wonder she is so amazing too.

They are a great team. 

Happy Birthday Paizley! You are very special to me and Carter and Cooper. J

Out with the Old- In with the New

2011 has officially come to an end. That seems so hard to believe. Isn’t 2012 like years and years away? And supposedly the end of the world ? Makes me want to break out in the song “It’s the end of the world as we know it”..
2011 had it’s ups and downs, like any year, but I definitely think it ended well.

In January I met an awesome guy, Dustin, who has the cutest little girl who is Carter’s age. We got to do a lot of fun things together throughout the year that I never would have done by myself. He also happens to be a single dad who is doing things 100% alone which makes me respect him even more. Some days I would love to trade him my 2 boys for his 1 EASY girl though. Haha

I also went back to school and got 2 A’s in my classes while working full time. That was not easy at all! I typed papers while my kids tore apart the house and beat each other up, but somehow I managed.

February brought Oklahoma’s worst blizzard in… not really sure how long, but we got over a foot of snow. I think we missed about 3 days of work and school because it was so bad. The worst part for me was being trapped inside for so long with 2 crazy boys. We were lucky we never lost our electricity and no trees came crashing down on my roof. My parents finally came and picked me up so I could get groceries because we had no food, so that was a lifesaver.
March- I’m having trouble remembering anything that long ago.

April was my birthday- not really too exciting either. Carter started playing t-ball and he really enjoyed it! He was super cute, even if he did walk between the bases and stare off into space the whole time. He could hit the ball really well.

May- Carter turned FIVE! He had his party at Dynamo Gymnastics and he had so much fun. We also had a huge devastating tornado that went through Cashion and destroyed some of my very best friends’ houses. You never really understand what the aftermath of a tornado is like until you are standing there in the midst of it, sorting through someone’s belongings and there is literally nothing left. It was such a sad time, but also made me feel so thankful to be alive.

June- We went to the World Cup of softball and nearly died because it was over 110 degrees, but it was a neat experience.

July- We swam a lot, went to Fireworks in Edmond, and nothing else I can really remember. It was a REALLY hot summer as usual.

August- We went to Sulphur on a road trip and were shocked when we got there and none of the springs had any water in them. But we found one little tiny stream to play in and that was enough to excite Carter and Paizley.

The 19th was Carter’s very first day of Kindergarten. I walked him to his room in this giant school, it was mass chaos, and he sat down and started coloring. He did so well! That was the hardest day of my life! I was glad to know I wasn’t alone because all of the other moms were standing in the hallway crying and peeking in the classroom too.

August we went to KattFest and were definitely the most normal looking people there. It was a really good concert though!

September- Cooper turned three!

October- I’m starting to go blank on the months that were not that far away for some reason… Halloween- Carter was a transformer and Cooper was a homeless man. It was the funniest costume ever, and it totally fit his personality.

November- Thanksgiving with family was fun as it always is.. we had great food and then ended up taking silly pictures like little kids. (think 7 grown adults in a pyramid) That is always so fun! I also saw Gary Allen in concert and he was really good.

December- It flew by so fast I still can’t believe that Christmas is over!! OSU beat OU which was probably the highlight of the month, after Christmas of course. : ) My kids got a ton of toys, and it was a great Christmas. I kind of want to go back and do December over because I didn’t get a chance to enjoy any of it. December 23rd was my last day at work and I have really been enjoying my “time off”. I definitely don’t miss the long work hours. I actually have time to get stuff done, and think, and enjoy my kids.

So that was my year in a very quick summary… I can’t wait to see what 2012 will bring!

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."

-T.S. Eliot